It's All So Hazy...

It's almost like this is some sort of elaborate game, but I'm the only one who knows that the game is being played. I'm the only one who knows that there are rules; the only one who is conscious of this preplanned reality. The only frikkin' player, while the rest of...well everything is like the obstacle that needs to be conquered to get to the next level. If you 'pass an exam' you get to roll the dice again. But wait, now you've gone and done something stupid, haven't you? Well guess what, you lose a turn and you've got to grow up now. You pushed someone off a building - well we're never going to run out of penalties. This time, you get to accept adult responsibilities and...and file your tax returns. Yes, you have to pay taxes, you moron. You're not a child anymore. That last penalty was supposed to fix your 'misconception', remember?! Last chance. Roll the dice. You know you want to know how the game ends. If it ends, that is. You won't know till you've rolled the goddamn dice. Oh no. A six. The snake pulls you back down to the beginning. You've got to do it all over again, only this time it'll be even harder. No, this is not a do-over. What are you, delusional?! This is how the creators of the game like to teach you the lessons of 'life'. Yeah, life. How the hell should I know what life is? I'm the narrator, I'm your conscience. I'm you. I only know what you know. That omniscient being, the one who's supposed to be guiding you - he doesn't really exist. Or does he? Who knows...You know what? Focus on the bloody game. Keep playing that game, fat boy. Respect the rules of the game. You say you don't know the rules. Who do you think you're fooling? You knew the lies would stop working one day. Perhaps the day has come...perhaps you are destined to relive everything, only this time you don't get to be ignorant. This isn't one of those asinine learning experiences; you don't get to be innocent. Basically, this is the biggest lie ever. The sad part is, this is the only truth you know. The only...well the only piece of information available to you. It's not anyone's responsibility to make it any easier for you. You're expected to tough it out. You're afraid of 'real life'. Fine. Convince yourself you can avoid it. Cling to every last chance, every little thing that gives you the opportunity to deny the existence of that thing we like to call the 'future'. Where's Godot when you need him? Damn you, Samuel Beckett. You and your lies. Estragon could be eating cake right now. But no!

Study, young one. Study. Study till you've got nothing left to live for, and you haven't got the guts to die. Wait, that's the case now, isn't it? Shit. The human mind is full of it. Would things be this aggravating if I was a rock? I can still be a rock if I want to be, can't I? A reclusive rock; no words, no sounds, no acknowledgment of...well...anything. Calvin really is light-years ahead of us all, eh? Where's the damn transmogrification machine when you really, really need it, eh? Nothing is really going to fix this. Fix what, you may ask? And who the hell gave you the permission to say anything, let alone question me? I am me, you are me, I am you. Yup, it's that screwed up.

Welcome to my world! The one where I talk to myself, and annoy the hell out of myself. Amusing, isn't it? Yeah, I bet a couple of sadists might get a laugh out of something like this. Indecision. I hate it. I hate it all! With every fibre of my being. The question that questions the existence of 'my being' still floats around this room. It dances with the dust, and begins to settle, only to be blown away by some lanky guy with a shitty immune system, who just had to sneeze. And then he leaves, taking every last shred of sanity with him. Yup. Nothing ever really made sense, did it? Guess what : it wasn't really supposed to.